Today’s the day. It all came crashing in, as it usually does. Just a bigger wave than usual. I found myself surrounded by friends and family. I didn’t leave the house to see anyone. I taught a live stream yoga class, and then fielded several phone calls. Kind of exhausting, but why not. It’s a grey winter day and I’m not much in the mood for going anywhere– again. While I go through the chores and the motions of a day, after day, after day, I’m in introspection. I just don’t feel like spending money or going anywhere. My good friend sent me flowers which are so lovely. She warned me not to be afraid when the doorbell rings. She knows me too well. Easily frightened by unexpected visitors. I’ve never lived by myself this long, but I’m learning to know my own company. Our cat helps. He jumps into my lap daily and sleeps in the bed.
I spent some time reading… social media, the news, and that book I’m almost done with. I sat on the couch a lot, live ocean playing on the TV. Today, I just wanted to sit here and miss you, talk to people, and cry some.
I pulled myself together around 4 PM to make a sale for our home business (hooray!)– a recurring contract, which is a step in the right direction. I have goals written for 2023, but today, I want nothing, just to be. To get through the day, and see what happens tomorrow.
Tonight, candle lit, and wine in hand, I tuned into Central Synagogue as I usually do for Shabbat. Tonight’s presentation featured their A-team and I loved it. Another presentation of familiar prayers, beautiful melodies and harmonies, and a place to say Kadesh in community.
I was speaking to a new friend earlier today who was kind enough to call. She invited me to be her guest at a nearby local temple for your Yahrtzeit two weeks from now. I said yes, I think that would be nice. I can’t sit here every day by myself. I don’t mind my own company, but I think it’s time I go somewhere again.