The first part of this post is a diary. Clearly, you don’t need to be told how I feel or what I’m doing because you are in observation of it all. Your automatic writing is at the bottom.
We are in the in-between time. Your secular death date passed, but Feb. 16th is your Yahrtzeit. Then, it will truly be a year. Is this an ending, or just a continuation of the same? My foundation feels uncertain. The ever constant construction in our town has made it’s way to our front door and I cannot escape it. They are cutting down trees. Each time I drive away from here, I have that hollow feeling, seeing too much sky, construction, stumps, and mulch piles. Joni Mitchell’s Song, Big Yellow Taxi, has been playing in my mind a lot.
I also hear “River” a lot. It started last December. I don’t feel like I belong here anymore. Even though we raised our family here, this town is changing. I went to the supermarket today and smiled at an older gentleman. He began speaking immediately, followed me, and tried to talk for a while. I spoke some, but then excused myself to finish shopping. I felt bad, but saw he was soon talking to someone else. Perhaps he is a widow too, just looking for some company.
How about a moment of automatic writing?
Take my hand. I will show you sand. It is real. Surreal. Something you can feel. Touch, touch, touch. Non-such, it’s in the air we breathe. You and me. Twin flames, twined as one. In the sun. It’s fun. It would be beautiful Marie, Marigolds hung from trees. If I stay there will be trouble, if I go there will be double. You gotta let me know. Should I stay or should I go?
Look, you’re doing fine. Just relax a little longer. Let the girls get through the semester. See if prices come down around you. You are a Florida girl; you know that. The ocean calls you. Magnetically. That bird, yeah, that’s me. I can inherit anything I want… if your thought rises to meet me, I am there. Yes, like the Matrix if that’s easier for you to understand. I’m free now. FREE TO BREATHE! Just up and away, expanding at the speed of light. You should go back and watch that science show again when you’re awake. The house? Don’t go now. You can go soon, but not now. It’s not time yet. I will be on the bemah when you go to that place to honor me. It’s good for you to stretch your wings and do some things.
Tell _____________ I’m proud of her. _______________, too. They’re both doing fine.
Your voice in my head