Although I’m writing less frequently, I’m still thinking of you and communicating with you at times. Some would say this means I’m still stuck on you and will never form new relationships. Others say it’s a sign of healing. Who knows.
Today, as I walked past your photo in the kitchen, I sensed you saying, “I’m a sage. You’re a healer.” It made me think of your role-playing games. I can see you as a Sage in spirit, although you usually played the warrior in your quests. In life, you always pursued knowledge and encouraged thinking. And me… a healer? Yeah, I can see that. I enjoy helping others. I’m also learning how to set boundaries with people who want too much. I don’t know why I have war on my mind, but I sense war is coming and I’ll be a healer in it.
A few days ago, I attended a funeral at the same cemetery where I left you. It was difficult to come back. I found your unmarked grave in shambles. Yes, there’s still a beautiful canal and palm tree near you, but also broken glass, candles, garden angels, and other bereavement trinkets littering the area. The family on the other side must visit a lot. I am still upset that after spending $xx,000 on your funeral & service, they want $x,000 more to decorate their cemetery with an engraved piece of marble cut from Italy, because “that’s the style of the neighborhood.” Not every plot is required to spend this much. Surely, there must be something I can do to honor you that costs less than this.
I only spent a few minutes at your grave. I got upset and I stomped on it. What the hell are you doing down there? You should be here with me. Yet, I felt like I was just visiting your bones. Your spirit rides with me wherever I go, and to leave you here is not to leave you behind.
Months ago when I decided to hold off on the expensive tombstone, I felt your support. This evening, as I was showering, your thoughts came through clearly. Dancing bears. I saw a spiral of dancing bears. That is all you want. Dancing bears. Something built to last. I will get it done! Our children and I might add a few hand-painted garden stones. Hopefully the cemetery will let these items stay.
I see repeating numbers a lot. Today, it’s 4’s and 11:11.