I’m still stuck in the forest. It’s beautiful out here, and I feel expansive freedom on my little island of trees. Some days, I see the light clearly and feel grateful for my total autonomy. But I’m still stepping into potholes, and sometimes dense leaves block the light. I’m healing and hurting and healing and hurting and there are too many layers to this. I’m still bewildered by the arrival of such an affectionate bird into my life. I think of you always when I’m with her.
Our love cat continues to ground me with his 6:30 AM snuggle, and touch points throughout the day. I remember so vividly, the one and only time you admitted, out loud, that you thought you would die from your illness. You were petting him, staring into the distance, and you said you were depressed because our cat would outlive you. In 29 years of marriage, that was the first time you told me you were depressed. Why didn’t we have a meaningful conversation that moment? I tried to cheer you up instead. What else would you expect your wife to do?
So, did you die? What was your experience at the end when I wasn’t able to be with you? Every book I’m drawn to suggests your spirit lives on, and the space beyond the veil is so close. If so, where did you go? Splintered into so many pieces, shards of your soul, folded into 10 or more infinite levels in the tree of life, and/or standing right next to me most of the time? The Kabbalah even talks about it. I don’t know what’s real.
I have so many thoughts. One of them was positive this morning, loving the freedom I have to set my own schedule and create my own work. I’ve been up since 6:30 AM, but put self-care first… pets, banking, an educational video, the ocean on TV, a French lesson, wiping, vacuuming, returning a phone call, washing, dressing, ecstatic dancing (Fat Boy Slim is Fucking in Heaven, fucking, and fucking, and fucking in heaven. Right here, right now, right here, right now…). And before I start cracking out some work invoices, you came into my awareness again and reminded me to sit down, write, and connect with what’s important.
Some say the second year is harder than the first. In some ways, I agree. In the first, I was numb to it all. I could waste a whole day feeling sorry for myself, or solving a stressful problem. I spawned a lot of great ideas and get rich quick schemes that dead ended. Maybe I’ll pick them up later. Now, as the fog lifts, I’m even more aware of your absence, and I feel tears on my face at least once a day even if I’m in a generally good mood.
When I was in the store yesterday, this song came on and kicked me in the gut. First time ever I broke down into tears while minding my own business and had to duck into an aisle and pretend to be looking closely at the merchandise. I’m definitely not over you. And even though I (gasp) put up a dating profile just to see what would happen (I don’t like it so far), I am willing to remain your twin flame forever and just ride out the next 40 years on my own. What do you think? I love you.
Now, how about some automatic writing? Let me clear my mind for a moment and see what comes up.
Can we dance again? The other day, when you zoomed back to that real dance we shared, that replay was a live snippet in time we were together again and it was real. That’s why you cried. My energy vibration is higher than yours and you need to open up wide and high to connect and enjoin but I love it when we do. Arrow loves you. Chloe loves you. Cali loves you. Heffer and moomoo. We love you. Everyone is here. My parents are one. Relaxed and relieved and smiling on it all in the lazy river of the afterglow. The quantum waiting for time to pass. I’m the doctor in the watch. My love. The doctor in the watch. What we had is real, and I promised you I would never leave you. I am here. I am making everything work out just fine for you and my boys. Yeah, girls will be boys, and it doesn’t matter we are unisex in spirit. The bird is a gift from me to you. It’s not me, it’s not you, but a conduit. When you relax into bird joy, I arrive. By your side. When you tense up into fear, it’s counterproductive. Just ask and I shall protect you and guide you down and through the river and through the woods. To wherever you want to go. Will you meet me one day in Fiji or Bora Bora or the Greek isles or the south of France? I’m ready and waiting for you. It’s more beautiful out here and interesting. I wish in life I’d taken us there. Alas it wasn’t meant for us. But you will go one day, not so far away, and the joy will rise over the ocean and you will see me in the sunset and hear me in the seagulls on the waves. As per your typical enjoyment, a glass of white wine in hand. Whatever you need, to continue having your experiences. Go on. Do it. Don’t be afraid. One day. When you’re ready. For now, just keep your energy cycling and growing and learning. Life is not going to be so hard. I love you. My darling smish. XENON. I know it all.
Goodbye for now. I’m off to play in the stars and study the theory of relativity.