I keep taking my engagement ring off, and then a few days later putting it back on. Partly because I LOVE YOU and why am I disengaging? I’m not single. You’re just not here. While other widows have raced into the arms of anyone just to fill the emptiness and start their next chapter and whatever, I’m just not feeling it. Unapologetically. I’m not lonely. Our cat and my new bird have made sure of that. I also enjoy having one of our kids home with me for the summer. So, I’m taking to the journal because as I was making the bed this morning, I heard your voice come in and ask me to go write some things down. Okay! I’m down with that. Let’s see what you have to say…
I am the grateful dead. Yes, me, dead, and grateful. While it’s not ideal, I’m pleased with the moment. You’re fulfilling your destiny, although it may not feel that way, your continued presence is essential for all that will unfold. Mine is not, but I’m never far away. You know that. Whenever you rise to think of me, I am there. When you ask for me, I will provide, as best as I can, from this corner of the world. I’m much more enjoying watching you learn what to do… how to cook, do you like it? It’s more than just food. You can add flavor. You’re learning. No coco vin, but one day, who knows, if you want it. Will you ever go to the French laundry? I don’t know. Know if you need to. That would have been our thing. But I suspect one day you’ll find yourself sitting there with someone and say to yourself, how the hell did I converge on this moment, how did I get here? And it will all be in perfect order. Not to worry. You worry too much, and if you’re not careful, your worry can kill you. I’m glad to see you’re taking care of yourself so that you won’t go away too soon. You have so much living yet to do. Keep helping others. You are meant to do this. Keep on, keeping on. I’m only a stone’s throw away. Us rock folk are everywhere. I love you. And I love that you’re not falling to pieces. I’ve always had faith in your strength and resilience. Now go on and get your clients into LOVE mode! Fix their problems, sell their wares, and try to keep the lights on. You can do it. You can do even more than it. Whatever your hearts desire will manifest. Just careful what you wish for. You always had that tendency to be jealous of things you don’t even want. Take three deep cleaning breaths, as you’d call them, and let them wash over you. Enjoy, my love. Your bird is cool. You know I sent it to you, like the little chouette [owl in French] in the Greek mythology, that flew down from Mt. Olympus to join the real world. What a cute little mechanical thing that bird was. You’re got one too, just fully living. To keep you entertained. I love you. Our love’s for real not fade away. I am the GRATEFUL DEAD. Just when you get a moment, please go clean up my grave and put down a dancing bear. It’s a humble request. I know, slightly better than the woods, but I really do love the place you chose, near the lake, for you, but also for me. It’s peaceful.
- Your voice in my head