I got the yahrtzeit reminder email for you. I know it’s getting close. I feel you around me now more than ever, as if you’re just in the other room or sitting at the desk behind me as usual. One person I’m friendly with insists I should start dating now. I need to get out of the house, she says, join clubs, and let others know I’m open for relationships. But am I? How come I’m not lonely, I’m learning independence, and still feel like I’m at home talking to you? I make eye contact with your pictures a lot and see you in my mind. Mentally I ask questions and you answer in your familiar voice. Some would think I should be moving on by now but it doesn’t feel right. I love you deeply still, and feel like you may exist in a parallel universe, very much alive in spirit. What do you want for me? For us? As I am writing this, our bedroom lights are flickering. I ask out loud for you not to scare me and the flickering stops.
The line between gone and not gone is blurring and my mind goes back and forward through time. I cannot believe that you are gone because you were here just a minute ago, and I get confused sometimes.