The further time slides beyond your departure, the fewer journal entries are posted. Perhaps this means I’m healing and moving onto other things, but your memory lives on. Trauma, emotions, and healing are such a complicated journey. Here at almost the 4-year mark, I thought I had pretty much righted the ship, tied up loose ends, and moved forward. Nope. Just about a month ago, my heart became sick again. It’s clear to me now that it’s somewhat due to hereditary high blood pressure, but mostly due to my inability to cope. My nervous system gets stuck in the sympathetic, and the symptoms follow. The bundle of twine that rolls against me includes unresolved grief, anxiety, excitement, and overwhelm. This looks like poor sleep, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, fast pulse, blood pressure spikes, dry mouth, shaking, and tingling. Last month (the third time in three years these sensations came on), rather than pouring myself into Dr. Google and getting a ride to the emergency room, I tried a different approach. My doctor brought me in for an EKG and bloodwork. All fine. The nurse suggested unresolved grief. Good idea. I went to the Internet and discovered David Kessler and his newest book about finding meaning after grief. I took some days off work (I had to, I couldn’t breathe!), and listened to his audio book. His grounding, gentle demeanor helped me see unresolved grief from you, and new unresolved grief from my little brother. I cried some, and felt better after finishing the book. When the symptoms crept back in a few weeks later, I went back to introspection. Why was I so stressed? I took a few days away to reflect. Once I calmed down, I communicated my needs back home. Thankfully, my roommates heard me and we have come to a compassionate compromise. Heart health is so important. Even though I’m a yoga teacher and have learned so many ways to calm the body, it all seems to fail on me sometimes. If I’m not careful, it could lead to a stroke or heart attack. I can only set my environment, work on my reactions, and try to do better each day. My business continues, now in it’s 4th year. I’m still alive and hitting personal goals I made for myself in January. So, there’s hope for me yet.
